An entire year?

It's been an entire year that I haven't blogged. I saw it on my Google page and kinda "Meh, I don't feel like it right now" and moved on to Facebook. I could do alot of catching everyone up and boring the shit out of them but I'd bore myself in the process of typing it. Long story short, the oldest step daughter got pissed at us and moved out of our rental and we've not been allowed to see Q since May (I also suspect that it has something to do with the 3 months rent she owes us, an electric bill she owes us and now a month of car insurance but eh who knows), my son moved with her so he could party with her and her worthless ass boy toy, youngest step daughter got married and had a daughter (oh my, what fun this will be...can you say K.A.R.M.A? bwahahahaha), middle daughter pissed everyone has abandoned her and left her at home with the 8 yr old, and the 8 yr old missing her older siblings and just slightly jealous of the grandbabies. Oh I forgot to throw in there that my darling son now has a daughter as well and her and her Mom stay with us when they need something (roughly every 12 days and strangely it's around my payday...go figure huh?). Oh and that my brother tried to ...ok pretty welll...oh hell might as well give credit where it's due...he destroyed my Mom's house while she was gone so now she's living next door to me in our rental. Hmmmm I think that pretty well fills in all the blanks. If you have any questions feel free to ask in comments and I'll answer if I can. I guess I could have really shortened it up and just said that they are still all driving me batshit crazy huh? You'd have missed the scope of it though with that simple statement though.

I'm still doing the night shift at the PD as well. I'm about tired of it to be honest. If it wasn't for the insurance I'd be outta here. The pay used to be good...now not so much. I miss actually seeing people and interacting with people that aren't weirdo's, freaks, idiots, or pains in societies collective ass. Shoot for as slow as it's been for the last few months I almost miss that even...pretty sad huh? Hopefully when things are on a little more of an even keel I'll go back to school. I was going to go to nursing school this year but the timing just wasn't right for that. Hopefully next fall though, we'll see, if it's meant to be, it will be.

It seems crazy to me that while it seems like nothing has changed, it's all totally different. That's what's great about blogging. It serves as a journal of where we came from, where we've been and where we're going. Can't wait to see what I'll be writing next year.

Herbal overkill

This year I'm finding myself with some time to devote to my gardening. I have always loved my vegetable garden but the last few years I've not had time to do much with it. It's been a get the dirt worked, throw some plants and seeds in, and hope and pray that I have time to harvest and use some of it before weeds take over or fall comes kind of venture. I've not been very happy about it either as my family will attest to. To me if I can't open a jar of green beans that I've had to can the previous summer in January, I get upset. I think it's got something to do with the fact that a can of green beans cost upwards of a buck at the grocery store and I have to use at least 2 per meal, and me knowing I can pressure can my own green beans that taste much better. Same goes for tomatoes, carrots, peppers, corn and whatever else has struck my fancy to grow and preserve for use in the off season months.

Anyways with the recent departure of my poor X this year I find that I don't have to work a second job anymore. In all honesty I'm not upset about no more 65 hr work weeks. After almost 3 years that was getting pretty old. Ok so I didn't work that many hours every week, but it's a pretty good average. God bless which ever bureaucrat that came up with the idea of Social Security, and thank God that the X actually worked enough to have the credits so that the kids can draw off what he paid in.

Anyways, back to what I started to blog about, I want to plant an herb garden this year. Out here in BFE finding the fresh herbs I want without having to drive an hour or two round trip is next to impossible. Last year I was needing cilantro for a salsa recipe that I came across and when I asked the two grocery stores here in town about it they looked at me like I was from Mars. I asked at Wal-Mart and they were able to get it but I didn't like their price tag at all. Luckily I was bitching about it one day and one of the friends I was bitching to just happened to have some plants in her handy dandy herb garden. She took pity on me and I ended up with so much cilantro I ended up making salsa for what seemed to be a tri-county area.

So now I've made up my mind to plant an herb garden. Where I'm going to put it is still kind of up in the air. I'm trying the companion planting thing this year with my veggie garden so I'm sure that will factor into my herb placement. That will help simplify matters in the location aspect I'm sure. What would really help would be if I could figure out what herbs to plant. I know cilantro, dill, parsley, chives, basil, oregano off the top of my head. I know there are about a thousand other useful herbs out there that I would use if I had them planted, but can I think of them? Nope, can't think of what they would be to save my life. So me being me I automatically think Google is the answer to my herb questions. BWAHAHAHAHAHA that didn't work out so well. I came up with all kinds of herbal type answers from medicinal herbs (which is a great idea but not where I want to head quite yet) to all kinds of pages devoted to "the top 5 herbs to start your herb garden with". There seems to be no happy medium in my herb idea quest. It's either a list 2 miles long, or a list of what I already know I want. I found all kinds of spiffy pages devoted to how to grow them for beginners, but I'm a wee bit past that part as I've grown those top 5 herbs in the past.

I guess the logical next idea would be to go through all my recipes and see what herbs are featured and draw a list from there....this should be an interesting journey in horticulture to say the least. If I'm not seen for a few weeks just Google "herb list" and I'm sure you'll find me.

Been a long time

Wow, I didn't realize it'd been over a year since my last post! I got temporarily sidetracked with several things over a long period of time. In a nutshell it's been called life in general and my children.

Just over a month ago my oldest two kid's Dad passed away very suddenly. Literally a case of he went to sleep and never woke up. It was quite a surprise to all of us and the kids didn't take it well at all. They are doing better now and in all honesty I think things will be better all the way around now. There were things going on there that weren't good and I didn't know anything about it until after he passed away. I won't go into all the sordid details about it right now but lets just say I'm glad I don't have to share the parenting responsibilities with someone who didn't want to be responsible at all.

There's been lots going on as usual for us but nothing monumentally earth shattering other than my X's untimely demise. Just the day to day drama that comes from raising teenagers and a 7 yr old all at once.

I'm hoping to be around blogging a bit more as I found part of my mind and it's screaming to be heard or at least get out and socialize a bit. Maybe later tonight I'll find my muse and write some awesome blog entry that makes all of you laugh, cry, or just think that my kids have brain damaged me in some way, shape, or form. ;)

Blueberries and Wii Fit

Dear heavens has it sprung...and it's kicking my ass. I picked a piss poor time to buy a Wii Fit, lemmie tell ya. I wanted one for my birthday, funds were tight so I used my birthday money for things we really needed (like propane and electricity). Things have loosened up financially and Wednesday while I was out on my weekly errand/shopping trip I bought myself one finally. I wish my dear friend Miss Shannon had gotten back to me on her take on the Wii Fit. Seriously, not joking. I'm so sore from my abs to my ankles, that I'd like to amputate my legs. Abs aren't so bad, my legs though...ok I'll quit now, you get the point.

Thursday was way too busy for me to think about messing around with my new toy as I was in the middle of pruning my way-too-long-neglected blueberry bushes and cleaning up in that area. Small trees, poison ivy or oak (not sure which since there were no leaves), blueberry suckers, blackberry canes had all tried make a home in my blueberry patch and it was up to me to retake my berry patch. Ok I can't take all the credit...Daniel did get in there and hack off a good sized walnut tree with the chainsaw for me. A paintbrush, syringe, and a pint of 2 4 D lv (herbicide) mix, there is only a couple of smallish sized trees I need to take the handsaw to (broke my blade this afternoon, gonna have to wait till Wednesday when I can get a new one) and my blueberries will be MINE again. I'm quite proud of my accomplishment out there as the bushes hadn't been pruned in at least 3 years as best I could tell and were an overgrown, tangled mess. On top of that, the blueberries (as well as the rest of the undesirables) had grown up through the bird netting making it impossible to just take it loose from what remains of the wooden frame to which it was secured. Needless to say, it was a long road of trimming, dodging brambles with vicious thorns, and yanking to get the netting free. The netting fought the good fight but it was no match for me. My blueberry bushes are mere skeletons of what they once were (which is the way it should be)and now ready for their new enclosure to be built and renetted to keep the pesky birds out of my blueberries!

Friday I broke the Wii Fit out of it's box. I got the balance board all syched up with my Wii, and was psyched about trying out the yoga section. Folks, seriously...don't let the commercials fool you, it's not nearly as easy as they make it look. I've always thought I had a pretty good sense of balance. I can traverse over just about any kind of rough terrain out in the wild places I like to frequent and manage to keep dry and uninjured (well unless I happen across an underground nest of those dastardly little yellow jackets but I regress). I stepped on the balance board pretty confident of my abilities when they said they wanted to do a basic balance test. I stepped off the balance board ready to throw the damn thing out the living room window. After I completed the test (which while I was doing it, I about busted my ass more than once) it asked me if I tripped alot when I walk. Really ticked me off as Daniel loves to tease me about not being to walk and chew gum at the same time for the mere fact I'm a blond. Anyways it went on to tell me that I rely too much on visual cues during movement. Ok ya whatever...I moved on to the yoga. The names of the yoga moves make it sound easy...trust me, it's not. I made it through the yoga portion without injuring myself (small wonder after that damn tree pose), and moved on to the strengthening, aerobic and balance portions of the "game". Lets just say, my strong point was the yoga ok? I thought I was in pretty good shape...I thought wrong...WAY wrong. I knew my clothing was getting a bit snug, but I had no clue it was getting this bad. That's another reason I wanted this Fit thing, I don't like the way my clothes are fitting and I absolutely detest the fact that my thighs rub when I walk and do NOT get me started on my muffin top. Daniel is tickled pink that my cleavage is more pronounced (aka I actually HAVE cleavage now). Poor guy, if the Wii Fit doesn't leave me laying in bed unable to move from the muscle spasms and soreness, he doesn't have too long to enjoy it. Time will tell how this love/hate relationship between Wii Fit and me lasts. I'm hoping it's long enough that my thighs no longer rub, muffin top disappears and Daniel is crying in his Pepsi over the loss of his beloved cleavage.

ps Shannon, stay far away from your Wii Fit of you want to have all of your wedding stuff done on time m'dear...The Fit will kick your ass, guaranteed

An uneasy, queasy feeling

All we've been hearing the last few weeks is about this economic stimulus package President Obama has been encouraging the legislature to get on his desk to help our struggling economy. Finally they have all agreed on something and to be honest, I don't know all of the details of it. The news has been pretty vague about the particulars, I'm not sure if it's because of the scope of what is in there or they really don't want the general working man to know (probably a lil of both in all honesty).

What I have been hearing about is the mortgage bailout portion of this stimulus package, and that's where most of my attention has been focused. This morning on the very early morning news on NBC, they had a clip from the President speaking in Phoenix about this mortgage bailout. The part that really caught my attention was when President Obama said, "The plan I’m announcing focuses on rescuing families who have played by the rules and acted responsibly. It will not rescue the unscrupulous or irresponsible by throwing good taxpayer money after bad loans.” Hmmmm sounds good, looks good...but maybe it's just me, but other than possibly helping families who have fallen behind on their mortgages due to job losses, WTH is this going to help other than the banks? Speaking of helping the banks...who were the ones that OK'd these bad mortgages to begin with? From what I've been hearing/reading/understanding the banks are the irresponsible ones, loaning out money on homes with inflated values. Now those homes values have fallen, and the banks are loosing money and have less cash to loan out on other inflated valued homes. So what we have is the banks and their shareholders suffering for taking a chance of making money by loaning it out, and now that their close to loosing their collective asses, looking to the government to make it all better.

For months I've been hearing that to get the economy going, money needs to be spent. Well DUH, took a genius to figure that one out. So what answer did the geniuses come up with? Give the money to big business to create and keep jobs for us drones. *Eyeroll* Now I have no issue with it being expected of people to work for what they have, I like the idea immensely. What royally pisses me off is that it seems us lower middle class working folk (hell at this point me and Daniel maybe in the working poor category, haven't looked in awhile) seem to keep sinking further in the hole financially. While we're lucky our workplace provides insurance, we're paying through the nose for our health and dental insurance. Add into that our car insurance and life insurance and we're what I call "insurance poor". Seriously, when our car and life insurance comes out of the bank, it takes upwards of half of my monthly take home pay. Our mortgage payment takes all of one of Daniel's paychecks and a few dollars more. Add into that propane to heat our home running $2.50/gallon, our electric bill, it leaves very little for discretionary income to spend to help "stimulate" the economy. We can make our bills, but damn is it ever frustrating to see so little left over every month.


I don't know what the answer to this financial mess is for all of us, but for months we've been hearing how people need to start spending money to help correct this economy. HELLO we ARE spending money people! Where it's ending up in this economy is beyond me, I don't have time nor the energy to track it down once we pay it out. I've cut so much fat out of our spending habits that they are starting to look like survivors of the Holocaust.

Daniel had a wonderful idea for a economic stimulus package considering our fine government wants to hand out billions of dollars. Go the the IRS and figure out how many taxpayers there are out there that make less than 6 figures a year, and then divide up that $790 billion dollars they are so eager to give away evenly between them. Not sure how much that would come up to, but stop and think about it. What would people do with it? Spend it of course. In our case, we'd pay off our mortgage, our vehicle loans and do some major spending in other areas like home improvement and such. Heck if it was enough, we might even just build a new house. Sure some people would go on vacations (we probably would too), pay off bills, and in general spend it. Ya knowing me I'd put some away in the bank someplace as an emergency fund and maybe invest a bit of it, but overall it would be pumped straight back into the economy. I know it'll never happen in my lifetime, kind of like winning the lottery but it's a fun idea to kick around at least.

Eleven months....

I had originally intended to post this at the 1 year anniversary as a memorial to my beloved Gramma, but after reading this post by another blogger, I just felt the need to get it out of my system.

Dear Gramma,

I miss you. It's as plain and simple as that. I see your picture everyday as I look on my dresser. Most days looking at it brings twinges of guilt that I didn't visit you more often, bring your great grandchildren to visit you, and in general didn't spend more time with you. I sometimes wonder why you didn't visit me more often as well. Often I wonder if you realize the impact you had on me both as a child growing up and as the adult I turned into. I often catch myself correcting my behaviors as I wouldn't want you to see me acting like that and be disappointed in me.

You taught me so much just by who you were, how you reacted to situations, events and obstacles that were thrown your way in your lifetime. Other people that knew you say they see the same tenacity, stubbornness, and strength in me. I don't agree with them for the most part. I manage to make it through everything that's thrown in my path, sure, but I don't think I do it nearly as gracefully as you did. Thank you for showing me that anything and everything can be overcame, learned from, and even prospered from.

Even though your gone away from us Gramma, you continue to lend me your guidance and strength. When faced with what seems like an impossible situation, or my heart and soul are aching from disappointment, I hear your voice in the back of my mind telling me that in time it will all work out, to pray, to keep my emotions from overcoming me in front of the kids and Daniel because they need me to be there to show them that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, things WILL get better, learn the lesson that there is to glean from it, and most of all to let it strengthen them. I find myself wondering what you would do in a specific situation, how you would handle it, and go from there when dealing with it.

Gramma, most of all, thank you so much for being there for me. Even if it is just in my memory. I miss you so much that it hurts, but I'm glad that your gone away from all the pain that had been plaguing you in recent years, and that your burdens are gone.

I love you Gramma,

Chris

It's been a difficult journey for me, learning to let go of Gramma. I haven't even went down to visit Grampa once this year for fear of having a total meltdown being in her home because of the realization that she's really gone and not coming back... her not being there. It's much easier to distance myself from it than deal with it I suppose. Perhaps I'm not ready mentally to deal with it in a huge in-my-face kind of chunk like that. I'm not totally sure in all honesty. I was kicking myself pretty hard about the fact that I hadn't went down to see Grampa the other day and my Dad called. Of course, Dad knew something was bugging me so he pressed me on it and I finally 'fessed up to what it was. Of course Dad tried to make me feel better about my lack of visiting but in the process ended up opening a Pandora's box of reactions in my mind.

"Quit kicking yourself Sis. Ok maybe you should have at least went down and had lunch with Grandpa, but it's not like you've not had much else going on, Dad understands why you haven't been down. Let it lay"

"Dad it's not that easy, I can't just "let it lay" as you so eloquently put it. He's down there all by himself and Lord knows what kind of mess that house is in *sigh*."

"Ya it's probably a mess that's making Mom turn over in her grave, but he's a grown man, he is more than old enough to know better, it's not your place to take care of him. If anything it would be my place but that's another can of worms. Gramma would understand why you've not been down there coddling him, and to be honest, and I want you to think long and hard about this one Chris... Your home burnt less than a year ago, you kids had to basically start out from where you were 10 years ago after your divorces but now have 4 kids at home to take care of and contend with, where back then you only had 2 at home. Three of those kids are teenagers and Mom knew all too well what nightmares teenagers are."

"Ya but Dad....."

"No 'Ya but Dad'-ing me on this Chris...Your doing what your supposed to be doing, taking care of your family, providing for them, and rebuilding a home for them. Just like Mom did after Grampa Joe died for me and your Aunt K. Your making her proud doing what your doing, and how your doing it so quit kicking your own ass so hard and take some time to enjoy it. THAT'S what Gramma would have wanted, you know it just as well as I do."

"Hmphf"

"You want to tell me that I'm full of shit don't you but your not because you know I'm right"

"Dad..."

"What?"

"Shut up would you *sigh*"

"Heh heh, ok Delores, oh I meant Chris..."

About that time his cell lost connection and our conversation dropped but he was right. I could almost hear Gramma telling me that Grampa needed to learn to take care of himself for once in his life and I needed to learn that I can't take care of everyone all the time. MY family, the one I have at home, were the ones that needed me the most, even if they refused to say it in so many words.

(Why I felt the need to throw that in this post I don't know, I'm just going with the flow of my mind atm...sometimes it's just best that way.)

Now my Gramma wasn't one to lavish gifts on her grandchildren, or spoil us rotten as most Grandparents do. When her and Grampa came to visit, there weren't lavish gifts handed to us as they came in the front door, but there were always hugs and kisses with a lap to sit on later on. When we went to visit or stay with them, we weren't met with sweets and cookies, but rather with meals at regular times with snacks between times. When we were told stories, they weren't out of books, but rather of hijinks our parents or aunts and uncles had pulled as children, of how Gramma and Grampa had grown up, what it was like back way-back-when. An outing with Gramma and Grampa was a simple drive to church, the coffee shop, grocery store, Gramma's weekly Thursday shopping trip and the highlight of that trip was picking out your cereal for breakfast and your favorite flavor of Kool-Aid (soda was nonexistent at Gramma's house unless you were sick, and then it was 7-Up to settle your stomach), over to the neighbors to pick sweet corn out of their field for supper, and if you were REALLY lucky, go golfing with either Gramma or Grampa and get to keep score and drive the golf cart. Amazingly simple and rich at the same time kind of things. While some of my cousins were never happy going to visit Gramma and Grampa, there was a handful of us that would BEG to go to Gramma's house. It was like stepping into a different world for us in so many ways. Out of those 5 particular grandchildren (one of them being me), 3 of them were city kids, born and raised while me and my cousin who is a year younger than me were bona fide country kids. All of us had one thing in common though. The only time we all got together was at Gramma's house. It was a precedent that started in childhood to last throughout our lifetime. How ironic it is to me that the last time all of us got together was Gramma's funeral. I hope we didn't bury our too infrequent get togethers with Gramma.

So many things have changed in the last year. Sometimes they seem overwhelming for me. Somehow, someway, I find the fortitude to get through them, one step at a time...just like Gramma did.

Disengagement...can be very educational and entertaining

Yes my Daniel has been hit with the retard stick again. That's being generous in the very least. Couple of weeks ago it was his daughter giving him the proverbial finger when told to start packing to move into her new room, and now she's done it again...not once but TWICE! This week it's because she wanted to go spend the weekend with some boy or his family in a major city 5 hrs away from home, in a rather shitty suburb. Now the girl just turned 17 less than a month ago and to say she's immature and lacks common sense is a gross understatement. I had been told she had *asked* to go and then was told that he wasn't going to let her. Four days later he told me he had went ahead and let her go...and yes he was met with a WTF where YOU smoking and/or drinking at the time, and asked if he'd sustained a head injury I needed to be aware of...and the obligatory head shake in disappointment at his piss poor judgement as well as me voicing my opinion on the matter. Then I shrugged my shoulders and reminded him I had disengaged, I'd keep my mouth shut, it was between him and the Sponge. I was met with a blank stare then a weak explanation of how he'd initially told her she couldn't go, and then something about her being 17 and there was no way he could really stop her, and her and her friend were going to go anyways, he'd rather have her in her car where he knew they wouldn't break down, followed with mutter, mutter, mutter. Where he comes up with his line of thinking, I have no clue. I told him the only reason I cared is because while it reflected poorly on him, it also reflected poorly on me and we have a court hearing over custody coming up sometime. I also reminded him of the shitty decisions that the Sponge had made with their oldest daughter and how she had turned out and he was acting just like the Sponge now in an attempt to keep Katie at our house. Oh and that this WOULD be brought up in a court of law and he'd have some SERIOUS explaining to do. He got kind of a funny look on his face, but didn't say a word. I was tempted to tell him I wasn't going to go to the court hearings with him, but I didn't. The reason for that is that I know me, and I'm way to nosey not to go.

Oh he also said something about her wanting the perks of being an adult, she can have the responsibility for it as well. That was too much for me to resist...and he was stuck in the pickup with me so I informed him I'm handing her the electric bill for next door AND her car insurance bill in January... *Wicked grin* and I'm NOT paying them. Ya I'm a bitch that way. I really don't care either way what they say about it either. What they gonna do? Give me dirty looks? Throw me out? GROUND ME? BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Well nothing further was said until today when he asked me to look up the weather and street/road conditions for that particular suburb today. I IM'd a good friend of mine that lives in that area and was informed that the roads were clear and while cold, weather was fine. While I was pulling up the info and texting my friend, he told me Katie was telling him that the streets were bad and she couldn't come home today blah blah blah. Well he dickered with her back and forth via texts for a good 2 hrs and I was getting pissed so I just called the local PD for that suburb. What do you know? Streets and weather were fine...so he texted her back telling her to have their happy asses home by 5 tonight or she's loosing her car for a month. Of course, she wasn't home by 5 (I'm not surprised considering his lack of spine and her ignorance). I don't know whether she's home now at 19:30 either since I had to come in to work because 2 of our dispatchers have the flu and maybe another one. That leaves me and one part time guy and he's scheduled to work tomorrow for the guy that's going to relieve me at midnight provided he's not sick as a dog by then (he was sick today I guess, heaving everything he'd eaten). Oh well, more OT for me :D. Tis the season.

Anyways, at this point, I'm kicking back enjoying my Daniel squirm like he's in a sniper's sight and he knows it. I have absolutely NO sympathy for him at this point, as he's let her spiral out of control and brought this on himself. The Sponge tried calling him today and wanted to talk to him and he turned his cell off. He had 3 unread text messages and he said he wasn't going to read them. Maybe he's taking clue from me about how I deal with his daughter...I ignore her. Oh I'll speak to her, and if there is something she needs to do, I'll tell her to do it, and if she doesn't, I deal with that. Other than that, nada. I reserve that right being a lowly disengaged stepparent though...he doesn't have that option since he's the "parent". She doesn't give me the shit she gives her Dad for the mere fact that she doesn't ask me anything. If she did, the answer would be no, and she knows that from experience.

I can't help but wonder if he doesn't WANT to loose this custody case. He's told me numerous times that he's too old for this bullshit and he doesn't want to deal with it. Of course this was a couple of years ago and he repeats it intermittently to the present time. I know I'm to the point where I want him to loose this case. I'm tired of watching him let her use him as a doormat. On the other hand, hopefully he's learning from it although it will be 10 years before he needs this knowledge again...well maybe it will. In a mere 10 years OUR Evie will be 15 and I'll rot in hell before I let him raise OUR daughter this way. I do believe he knows that and is relieved. I have no problem being Billy Bad Ass with the teenagers, where he just wants to throw money (and car keys apparently) and for them to get out of his hair. Screw that noise, I was raised like that and I know how it feels. I guess he's imagining that she likes it, and truth be known...she doesn't. She wants attention from her Dad and probably from me, but I can't give her mine with her acting this way. I would be the wicked stepmother from Cinderella at this point as disgusted with her as I am right now. Personally I think she needs that at this point in time, but I'm not taking the fall for being the "bad guy" with one of his kids yet again. I've tried telling him this, but he's not comprehending it as when he tries to reign her in and spend time with her, she retreats into a whining bitching "your so mean to me" fit. Oh well, least this is his last child he spawned with the Sponge and like I said, she's 17. Eleven short months and she'll be 18, and the following May she will graduate high school. YAY. I'm not going to say she'll be out of my life, but she will be no longer deemed in any way partially my responsibility. That just tickles the shit out of me.

Like I said, this is very educational for me. A first rate education/example of what NOT to do with my kids (even though I might be tempted at times). Now all I need is an example of what to do with/to him if he should get bold enough to attempt to allow my children to act this way.