Ghosts IV

Jason and I grew closer and closer throughout the spring and summer. We did all the things boyfriends and girlfriends did in our small town. We went to each other's practices, dances, and various "functions" (he was in football, I was in track, band, and art club), to the movies, hung out at Toni and his house, and so on and so forth. I loved being with his entire family. Their Mom became my 2nd Mom, making sure I was doing well in school, practicing my flute (which was easy since Toni and I both played the flute), and making sure I stayed in line. Time passed in a happy blur for me, with Jason beside me. They had started attending a new church sometime that summer. I didn't pay too much attention to it at first. I did notice that some things changed around their house like all movies that were deemed "immoral or inappropriate" were gotten rid of and we were forbidden to rent such movies, swearing ceased, and there were multiple Bible studies during the week. I went to church with them a few times, and it seemed like a nice church but a little strange to me as I'm Lutheran, and they were going to a Jehovah's Witness church.

One Sunday afternoon I went over to their house after I had gotten out of church. Their Mom met me at the door with a pained look on her face and I immediately panicked thinking something was wrong with someone. She assured me that everyone was ok, and told me to come in, that all of us needed to have a "talk". She was so serious it scared me, but I reluctantly followed her into the kitchen where everyone was gathered around the kitchen table. Jason was slumped over with his head on the table and his Mom went to stand behind him. Their Dad was sitting next to him with his hand on Jason's back. Toni was sitting across from them patting the chair next to her for me to sit in. I slowly crept towards the chair, a ball forming in the pit of my stomach as I sat down. As I sat across from Jason he slowly raised his head and he had been crying. His eyes were all red and poofy, his cheeks wet and red, and he looked utterly miserable. He looked at his parents and then looked back to me muttering "I can't do it...Mom, Dad...PLEASE...I just can't do it, it hurts to bad." I started to ask what was going on when his Dad started to explain:

"Chris, today as a family we decided to become official members of the Jehovah's Witness congregation."

"Oh that's great, I'm glad you finally found a church that you all like and are into...but if your so gung ho about it, why is Jason so upset? Jason, what's wrong...tell me...you can tell me anything, you know that."

Jason and Toni's Mom continued...

"Sweetheart, you've been to church with us, what do YOU think of it?"

"Ummm the people were nice, some of the church's teachings are strange to me, but I'm a Lutheran, why?"

"So you have no interest in converting to our church?"

"NO, I love my church and religion...Why would I want to convert?"

Jason started sobbing at that point.

I eyeballed all of them suspiciously, and asked Toni what was going on, and why was I being asked if I wanted to convert.

Toni looked at her parents for direction and again their Mom picked up the ball.

"Chris, you know we all adore you honey, especially Jason..."

"Ya I know, and I love all of you too...Mom what's going on?!?"

She let out a deep pained sigh and continued...

"Well one of our beliefs is that a boy or girl shouldn't date until they are ready to get married and are looking for a future spouse. Do you realize what the means?"

My stomach fell to my toes and my heart felt like someone was ripping it out of my chest as I answered...

"OH...yea I understand that belief, Toni and I have talked about that before. So Jason and I can't go out anymore?" I choked out the words in disbelief.

Toni grabbed my hand and gave it a tight squeeze as I tried not to cry over loosing Jason. I looked at her and she told me...

"That's what's wrong with Jason, he's been like this ever since Mom and Dad finished formally joining the church. I'm so sorry Chris, I know it hurts. C'mon, lets go to my room, I know you don't like to cry around people." Toni got up and put her arms around me trying to hug me and get me to stand up out of my chair all at once. I accepted her hug but refused to budge out of my seat. This was complete lunacy in my mind. What kind of religion caused it's followers pain in their lives in any way? The questions reeled through my young mind as I started asking questions. What I asked I can't exactly recall, but their parents answered all of them with complete conviction. The only question I remember asking them was if that is why they had asked me if I had any interest in converting to their new church. They told me yes it was, that they hated that Jason and I had to break up as they thought we were made for one another, and they apologized for having to do it.

Jason looked up at me totally distraught. He looked like he was being torn in two looking between his family and me. About twenty seconds was all of that I could take and I ran past them, down the garage stairs and outside.

I crawled into the bed of the El Camino Jason had been restoring for when he got his drivers license. I cried...bitter, hot, heartbroken teenage tears. Toni came out and found me by listening to my sobs. She climbed into the back of the Cammy with me and put her arms around me and I just sobbed how unfair it was. I cried until I ran out of tears in her arms. I sat there staring at the stars, wondering how long it would take for them to break way from that wretched church and Jason and I could get back together. Mom came out to check on us occasionally and Toni went inside to get us some Dr Peppers at some point. When Toni left I climbed out of the back of the El Camino and into the front seat. Sometime while I was sobbing in the back, Jason had came out and gotten in the Cammy. As I slid into the passenger seat, I looked up and there he was, still crying.

"Chris, I'm so sorry...I didn't want it to end this way, I don't want it to end at all."

"Jason...Why? I'm not asking you to choose me over God, but you were happy going to the Christian church, and while you were there we could be together...What happened?"

Anger slowly crept over Jason's face amongst the tears as he slammed his fist against the steering wheel.

"Don't you get it? Dad is the head of the household, I have no choice! Mom has no choice. Toni has no choice. If Dad wants us to join this church we HAVE to join as well!" he screamed at me.

"Ok ok I get it, I understand, but, but, but I hate it. I just absolutely HATE it! I love you, I don't want to let you go! PLEASE Jason there has to be some way, some how...Hold me Jason, just this once, I need you...someone...please" I whispered pleading with Jason still crying.

We slid over at the same time and I collapsed in his arms. As I slumped against his chest, I saw his parents out the window, his Dad starting towards the car and Mom grabbing his arm pulling him back. As he looked back at her, she shook her head at him and I saw her say something to him and he stopped stepping back beside her, staring at us in the car.

I don't know how long we spent in the car just holding one another, each of us crying but at some point Mom came to the car and knocked on the window. Jason rolled down the window and she motioned for us to get out of the car. Very reluctantly we got out of the car and she told me that my Dad was on his way to get me.

Toni stepped up from behind me and guided me to the porch from the side yard. We sat in silence, my head on her shoulder, crying. Shortly afterwards, Mom came outside and Jason was trailing behind her.

"Chris, it'll be a few minutes before your Dad is here. I think both you and Jason need to say your good-byes sweetheart, but I have to stay out here with you."

I stuttered "Ok" and Jason stepped around his Mom and gathered me in his arms. I grabbed him violently as if my life depended on it and he clutched me back. His cologne, the fabric softener, the softness of his shirt, the buttons pressing into my cheek, his strong arms wrapped around me, the cool breeze wrapping around us and rustling the leaves on the ground. We stood there, tightly wrapped in each other's arms as time stood still.

Soon I heard a truck pull up to the curb and whispers from that general direction. Shortly afterwards I heard my Dad...

"Jason, I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but you have to let go, I have it from here. Take care son."

"Take care of her, PLEASE...take good good care of her sir."

"I will, I promise, I always do." my Dad reassured Jason as he gathered me from Jason's arms and I fell against him fresh sobs starting.

"Daddy, oh Daddy...." and my voice trailed off...

Dad smoothed my ruffled hair and picked me up like when I was little girl...

"I know, broken hearts hurt more than broken bones...lets go for a ride sis."

Dad carried me to his truck and Toni opened the door for him. He sat me in the truck seat, and shut the door. I heard Toni asking Dad to take care of me and he reassured her he would, and he thanked their parents for calling him and postponing this until he was going to be home.

As Dad got into the truck he asked me if there was anyplace I wanted to go. Still crying I wasn't able to answer him as he dragged his box of Kleenex out from behind the seat, but I shook my head no. I sat there, snotty and drippy, staring at Jason out the window of my Dad's truck. He looked as devastated and hopeless as I felt.

Dad drove north out of town, the town whizzing past. He handed me a cold Dr Pepper, and turned on the radio. I leaned over on Daddy's shoulder, fighting back the tears as I tried sipping my pop. Dad stopped at a convenience store on the way out of town and called Mom to let her know I was with him and we'd be a while before we were home.

Dad drove out to his farm and pulled into the parking lot adjoining the gate facing the cemetery.

"I bet you wish you were out there with them huh?" he asked me nodding his head towards the headstones across the road.

I shrugged and cuddled up to him as the evening was getting rather cool. He wrapped his jacket around me and his arm around my shoulders.

"God, it was so much easier when you were 5. McDonald's and an ice cream cone made anything, any boo boo, any disappointment or heartbreak all better. I wish I knew what it would take to make this all better, but I don't. Time is the only thing that can do that, and I can't speed time up." As he finished, Dad let out a sigh that made me realize that he'd been where I was, even if it was years ago.

I eventually cried myself to sleep with Daddy holding me. When I woke up, Daddy was carrying me into the house. He gently roused me enough to get my pajamas on and get ready for bed. I crawled into my bed, and popped a couple of tapes into my stereo and as Peter Cetera sang, I cried into my pillow. Soon I felt someone sit on the edge of my bed, stroke my hair, and pull my covers up.

"I'm so sorry baby, love hurts, but it fades with time, I just hope it's fast for you..." his voice trailed off as I heard Mom walk away from my door muttering...

"For Christ's sake, she's 13, she has no earthly idea what heartbreak is..." her voice irritated and trailing off as she stomped down the hallway.

A kiss to the top of my head, and he left as swiftly as he came in...then the yelling began...again...and I turned my stereo up, praying to God to end it all, by whatever means he felt necessary, and reciting my standby bedtime prayer...

"Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
If I die before I wake
I pray the Lord my soul to take
Amen"

... and sometime drifted off into a fitful sleep.

Ghosts part III

I never expected my unexpected outburst in the car that afternoon to lead to a domino like chain of events in my relationship with my Mom. While normally cool towards me, my Mom's attitude towards me slowly over time got worse. I was expected to be home when she wanted or needed me there, which was namely when she worked, then vanish when I was inconvenient to her. As a 12 yr old, that was fine with me, I preferred to be with my friends or at work anyways. A long time friend of my parents needed someone to clean his house and help around the ranch a few hours a week. Luckily he had came over for dinner and I overheard their conversation as I came in from working outside. We talked a bit, and I had a job.

Now when Dad came in off the truck and was home for a few days, things were completely different then when he was gone. I was either at work, school or with Dad. That's just the way it was and I was so happy during those times. Didn't matter that I was working my hind end off when I was with my Dad around the trailer court him and Mom owned, all that mattered was I was with my Dad. Mom showed some interest in me too when he was home, but Dad after a few months felt the change between the two of us. He asked me a few times what was going on and I flat told him I was tired of Mom coddling my little brother. Dad understood totally and it was left at that.

When Dad wasn't home, I feel into an uneasy routine. On the days my Mom worked, I went to school, came home, watched my brother, if I had to work out at the ranch my boss would come and get both me and my brother and I'd go to work. On the days Mom didn't work, I'd come home, dump my school stuff, and head to my best friend Toni's house. On weekends, I'd clean house all morning while I was watching my brother, then when Mom got home or I finished cleaning, I'd head out to Toni's house.

When I wasn't at school, home, or work, I was hanging out with my best friend Toni at her house. We basically did 12 yr old kid stuff like playing video games, talking about anything and everything, going to the pool, hanging out and playing with the other neighborhood kids, walking around town exploring, listening to music, watching movies, and bugging her older brother Jason. For Toni it was just the sisterly thing to do bugging him, for me, he was HOT and I really liked him ALOT. He was two years our senior and a football player...oh goodness, me oh my. I guess he liked me too because we started "going out" that spring. Well off and on we did...there was another neighborhood girl me and Toni's age that he kept breaking up with me to "go out" with. She was a poor girl as her Mom was disabled and Jason kept telling me it was because he felt sorry for her. Being naive, I totally believed him, and would go back out with him.

This went on all school year long and at the end of Christmas break I FINALLY figured out what was going on. I had spent the night at Toni's and us girls slept in the living room as Toni's room was REALLY small. Jason, Toni, and I had stayed up late watching movies and Toni fell asleep sometime during "Top Gun". After she fell asleep, Jason crawled off the couch and into my sleeping bag on the floor. We laid there snuggling and making out as the movie played on. One thing led to another and next thing I know Jason is dragging me to his bedroom going "SHHHHHHHHHHH". Teenage hormones ruled the next half an hour, and my virginity took a hike out the window. Afterwards I was in the kitchen finding something to drink, and Jason snuck in behind me. He grabbed me around the waist and whispered in my ear "THAT'S why I kept breaking up with you to go out with Tina. I think I might be falling for you. I couldn't cheat on you with her so I'd just break up with you rather than destroy your trust in me and hurt you worse by cheating." At first I was madder than hell at him for letting his libido rule but when I turned around to drag him into the garage to yell at him, I couldn't. The earnest look on his face led me to believe him wholeheartedly, there was no way I could be mad at him. So I led him down into the garage and into the laundry room to talk to him about it a little more without waking his family. We talked, he explained a little further, and after making amends and him vowing that he wouldn't do it again we *made up* by having much better sex.

That was the end of it, I was in love for the first time in my life.

Ghosts in the closet

I have many of them. Good friends are learning them slowly but surely, and my wonderful friend Fiesty had a great idea for a blog based off of one such conversation. Which kind of got me to thinking to myself, maybe, just maybe my ghosts of the past might be able to help someone else someway, somehow. Not to mention the material that would open up for me to post and people would actually know where it's coming from.

I have never denied anything I have ever done in my past when asked about it, no matter how awful it was. Denial does no good, it just seems to make you feel like you have something to feel guilty about. Who needs that? I certainly don't. I have have done my share of rights, wrongs, and otherwise. Most people refer to their ghosts as skeletons in the closet. I don't for the mere fact that most of my "ghosts" refer to people that are still living. I won't name them by their given name, but I will give them a pseudonym so everyone can keep them straight.

I'm not sure why I'm baring my mistakes of the past for the whole world to see. I guess sometimes I find that people don't understand me, and maybe that's why. Seeing where someone came from, and the things they've experienced always helps someone else to see why that person is the way they are today.

I hope I don't bore anyone with this and if I do, well guess they can just skip these "ghost" entries. To be honest, I don't think I care if I bore them with the "ghost" entries. To truely appreciate where and who I am today, you must understand where I came from and the things I've done.