Going home...

In the last 6 months I have been home twice which is more than I've been home in the last 10 years. They say home is where your heart is, and apparently my "home" is in Northern Iowa. To me, my home is where my family is and that's where most of my family I still claim is. While I love Southern Missouri for it's mild climate and awesome geography, a large part of me longs for the cold winters, steamy summers, corn and soybean fields and hog confinements (shut up, I know I'm weird). Everytime I have to leave to come back to Missouri, I feel a heartache that I can only describe as akin to loosing a member of my family. The further south I get, the more my heart aches.

As I mentioned, this was my second trip home in the last 6 months. Unfortunately, it has been deaths of family members that was the reason for my trip home. I was home in October and I never remember Northern Iowa being that mild in October. Of course it rained most of the time I was home and was chilly but no more so than here in Southern Missouri. The second trip was at the end of March for almost a week, and the weather was a bit screwy, but nice nonetheless. It wasn't overly warm as to be expected and one night we got almost 3 inches of snow, but it wasn't freezing either. It was windy and sunny most days (I damn near blew over a few times when we did the interment of my beloved Gramma for crying out loud) but not too bad temperature wise.

Of course, my aforementioned family doesn't help matters much either. Apparently I'm a favorite cousin/neice/granddaughter and they have no bones about telling me that and how they wish I would move home. I have wanted to move home for years, but there are a few things that hold me back. First of which being my kids. We have 6 (no that's not a typo) between the two of us. His, mine, and ours respectively, and while 2 of them are over the age of 18, one of them is on probation for a bunch of stupid shit he pulled over the last 5 years, and the other just had a baby. The the other kids are 16, 14, 12, and 5. Now the 5 year old is our daughter so there would be no problem there. The 16 yr old is his daughter from his last marriage and the 14 & 12 year old are my kids from my previous marriage. Not too sure how their "other" parents would take it us moving them 550 miles from them. Of course we really don't care too much as long as a judge would permit them to move with us. The ex's can bite us as they made our lives hell for several years and while we're not bitter (ok maybe just a lil bitter but there again, that's another post) we also don't feel that we owe them anything for the shit they gave us. Second thing that holds me back is my parents, particularly my Dad. He will be 68 this fall and I'm not sure when it will come to the point where he will have to be looked after. I have promised him that I will take care of him in his old age as I don't trust his signifigant other to do so. My Dad moved us down here to get away from the cold so I'm pretty sure he's not going to want to move back to Iowa in his old age. That leaves me moving back here, and I don't want to have to uproot that many times. Of course me being the stubborn ass I can be would probably give him the option of a nursing home or moving home with me but I don't want it to come to that. My Mom is slowly loosing her mind and the farther away I can get from her, the better off I feel I am. I would take care of her if I HAVE to, but since I have a little brother, I've about made up my mind HE can do it. I have done it since before I was in high school, he can take his turn in this family responsiblity crap. Third of all, me and Dh have lived here most of our lives. We have invaluble ties to the community, our friends, and immaculate reputations. If we were to get let go from our jobs today, we'd have 5 offers by the end of the week, guaranteed. To loose that feeling of community, of security is unsettling to say the least. I'm sure we can make those ties again at home, but my main fear is that my Dh is 49 years old, no high school education even though he is talented in many areas, and his shoulders and upper back are giving him fits. In short, what will he do for work? I know he would find something but living up there is much more expensive than here. I have some college credits, but I'm not sure I can make enough to support a family of 9. The kids will work, but I don't feel right about having to expect them to help support the rest of the family. *SIGH* Not to mention, uprooting my kids during high school and from all their friends they've had all their lives. So many considerations for what seems like such a simple decision.